GOD IS KIND : The hurt of dissapointment

Sometimes you can't even ask why. Perhaps because you know everything doesn't quite lie in God's hands. Yet when it comes to things you have absolutely no control over, you are tempted to think it's in His hands. Even at that, you still can't ask why. Well maybe you can, but I can't.

 I have had a good dose of pain and disappointment enough to separate my ideology of God from life's occurrences. Before life started giving me rude shocks, I used to think God will always protect me by preventing pain. As I grew older and met with more battles, I learnt to accept the part of God's protection which delivers  me from pain well after I have felt its excruciating bite and I came to this conclusion;

God is and is forever kind. The earth is fallen; I may not be exempted from all its ugliness, but God will always be kind enough to deliver me if He doesn't prevent it.

 By the time you will be reading this, I would have shared my testimony.

While I hope its not many days from now being January 2, 2020; I will rather write now while I feel the burn as Joy has a way of making you forget your pain. Here is my story and I will  call it a story of God's kindness.

How it all began

 I thought I would be married a year or two after I left the university in 2011 but it didn't happen. I had 6 failed relationships in the span of 14 YEARS - So that you know, I wasn't doing weekly flings. I invested my heart, I found myself single in 2018.  In those years, I encountered stigmatization for being Ngwa (Origin in Abia state), being written off as wife because some men believed 

➡ I won't be good in bed.

➡ I can't cook.

➡ I am too spiritual.

 Till next year, I don't understand what was fueling their assumptions.

 The last failed relationship happened just prior to my myomectomy in July 2018. At the surgery, I found I had 9 fibroids, Ovarian cyst that had damaged my left ovary and Endometriosis. You can imagine how I felt when the doctor came to me the next morning after I got a bit stable, saying, "You need to get pregnant as soon as your uterus heal".

In my head

Ehn? Doctor!

I am not married. I am still a virgin. What are you saying??? Where is the man?? How would it happen?? I am a minister. I can't have premarital sex. What about Christ?? How would he feel???

 If you don't, we will have to place you on contraceptives so that you don't return for another surgery." The doctor added.

All this was happening just when I had an unforeseen break up, was hosting TAMAR'S POUCH  conference 2018 in 10 days time, hurting from the surgeon's knife and not knowing how the story would end.

 I faced the wall and wept out my heart to JESUS, My forever husband and Saviour.

I said to Jesus,

"My darling, I am never going to leave you. If you give me a husband, or don't give me a husband, I will still be your favorite girl. I will still love you. I will still serve in ministry. I won't stop giving you my all. If you like push me away, I will still come after you."

 Five months after my surgery, the Lord sent me my husband of deep consolation.

Two months after that, we got engaged.

Three months after that, we got married. 

 Our wedding brought great joy and encouragement to many, including myself. 

I was glad that I wouldn't need the doctor's knife a second time nor his contraceptives to keep fibroids and her cousins away.

Then Comes the Tests

July 1st 2019, while fasting in preparation for Eagle' Soar Conference scheduled to hold in Tanzania,  We found I was pregnant. My husband's birthday was the next day. This baby made it remarkable. 

I was very thankful, very grateful and excited. This good God gave me  a baby immediately after the wedding. My joy knew no bound until I started cramping. We went to see the doctor. He confirmed I was 6 weeks gone but  the baby had no heartbeat.  I couldn't believe it. God wouldn't give and take away especially now that this pregnancy was a confirmation that he was rewarding me for believing him when the myomectomy doctor said I should get pregnant outside wedlock.

12 weeks plus gone, I had organised a home party for my mother-in-love. I didn't know my joy was about to be interrupted. 

We were happy and grateful

I cancelled the Tanzania conference and focused on my baby. I drank the communion almost every day. I prayed day and night so that the child would live. We went to the doctor at week 9 and he said, the baby was still measuring at week 6, there was still no heartbeat. He said we had to evacuate. 

In my head, "Hey God, this doctor doesn't know I am a prayer warrior. My God will shock you." 

We left and I went to register at another hospital. I needed to buy some time for God to shock me. Men and brethren, that sac lived in my body for 109 days (15 weeks and 5 days). My tummy was growing, I had all the pregnancy symptoms. I was full of faith. 

Finally, the doctor ordered a scan and my 15 weeker was measuring at 9 weeks with no heartbeat. I will never forget the hot gosh of tears that overwhelmingly kissed my cheeks that day. Did God fail? I still didn't think so. I was too broken to think otherwise so I judged him faithful regardless.

September 24, 2019 I had an evacuation after the abortion pills didn't work on me. I took that as a sign that my baby was holding on. I still remember the day of my D and C like it were a minute ago. I lost my mind hours later. Mehn, pain is in grades o.

7 days later, I had my period. People said we could conceive almost immediately so I didn't let my husband see road. I desperately wanted my baby or triplets back. To God be the glory, I started seeing pregnancy signs  again shortly afterwards but this time, I chose not to do a test. 

I had an invite to speak at a conference in Lagos. I was unwilling to go. My husband persuaded me. He believed I needed a familiar environment to regain my joy. 

In lagos, the unexpected happened.

Continue here

Kindly leave your comments and share the hope! 

Warm hugs,

Princess-Anne