That relationship
was my first exposure to the games involved in the emotional world. I was and
am still bad at those games.
Can’t kill myself
biko (Hahahaha)
Anyway, in my
twenty something years old life, I’ve been with 5 (five) guys. Is that too much
or too little? Well, it depends. I guess that closely reveals how guarded I became
afterwards. Although, one of those five was basically out of “spite” for “Christian
brothers” after the experience with the pastor.
Don’t ask! Just be
informed that I greatly regretted it. I saw further that being with a “flawed
believer” is better than being with a “polished unbeliever” (whatever that
means). It was so obvious I didn’t know how to play those games.
Fast forward
I’ve grown from
being gullible to being “better” (for want of a preferable adjective). My term “better”
didn’t mean I learnt their games and mastered the art of seduction or 48 laws
of “getting someone to fall for you”. No, I still don’t know all those things
per se. I just learnt by experience the art
of guarding your heart and the art
of testing all spirits.
Don’t worry sugar, I’m
not about to get all churchy in here. (Hahaha)
Just stay with me.
I updated my
audition form to include three ingredients that can’t be faked- Integrity, consistency and reliability (ICR).
As simple as these three words sound, they are deep values that control the
rest of a man’s or woman’s life. People think it can be faked but it really can’t
be faked because it has a candid way of slipping through people’s guarded and
unguarded moments. You can only get deceived if you chose to go blind by
emotions. The beautiful thing about these values is the truth that time reveals
them. You don’t have to manipulate people in the name of setting tests for
them. You only need to sit back and pay close attention to their everyday
decisions involving you or not involving you.
Since this is not a
how to prevent a heart break “when Mr. Niceman/woman disappears” post, I’m
going to save that lesson for another day that’s if you want me to share the
gig with you (chuckles).
I’ve met guys that “felt”
like it not until they busted their bubbles at ICR. Ever met a guy or girl
that felt like it? They seemed to understand you, agree with most things you
had to say, appeared to like everything you like and claimed to hold the same
values as you? Isn’t that what some people call being with a “soul mate”?
That’s
the problem; the popular soul mate theory is based on feelings rather than
logic 99 % of the time.
I once heard a girl
say, “we are so alike, I will marry him once he proposes!” That got me
wondering if marriage was about “similarities. I got talking with her and found
out that she had concluded that the marriage will be heaven on earth because
their similarities will give room for no friction. That leads us to the first
soul mate myth.
1.
Marrying
my soul mate means a problem free marriage.
This
looks true but if you ask married couples, you will be shocked to know that
problem free marriages are never made in heaven. They are a product of
intentional efforts geared towards peace keeping. EVERY couple will have
moments of misunderstanding, differing opinions no matter how alike they seemed
at first. Don’t ever think that magic happens in a marriage or relationship.
Read: Single at 25? What you should know
Read: Single at 25? What you should know
2.
My
soulmate is the person with whom I feel the most chemistry.
What
exactly is chemistry by the way? The goose bumps, the butterfly-ed belly, the we-think-alike
mirage and what have you. See honey, chemistry is good. Afterall, we all like
the “high feeling” being in love causes. But you must know that a strong
chemistry doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship or marriage. If you make
choices based on chemistry, you are most likely going to end up frustrated when
testosterone and oxytocin hibernates.
Read: Climbing In Hind Shoes
Read: Climbing In Hind Shoes
3.
My
soul mate is the person God reveals
(Khum
Khum) clearing my throat.
Some
people believe that God tells them whom to marry. Others think they just loved
someone and made a choice. Whatever school of thought you belong to, I need you
to know that whether or not you knew about your spouse from a vision or a “knowing”,
they don’t automatically become your soul mate. Soul mate-ship is built by two
people who make a decision and commitment to continually enrich each other with
the gift of their being so long as they both live.
I,
princess strongly believe that a
relationship or marriage won’t automatically work out just because a “God-said”
preceded your coming together. This
myth is responsible for the anger most people carry about against God when a “God-said
“relationship fails. They quote scriptures like the plans of God don’t fail;
the will of God must come to pass and all the others.
Wake
up honey, God has a plan but man has a will with which he makes choices. If our
choices doesn’t enhance the harmony in a relationship? it will definitely fail no matter how many
communion cups you drank at your wedding or how many bags of salt you threw in
the wedding wine. Marriage or any other relationship is work! We don’t have to
be married to know. Simply look around you. So wake up if this myth has a hold
on your sanity.
4.
My
soul mate is the only one for me
Hmmmm
how sweet! I really would like to hear my husband say that to me. Who doesn’t like
hearing sweet nothings? But as good
as that sounds, it is a myth. If you think there’s that one special person who
you must either get married to or burn, why then do widows or widowers finally
meet another person they can build a sane relationship with?
I
once heard a lady say, she knows by revelation that a guy was her husband to be
and the only one she could ever get married to. Men and brethren, did you know that this man
got married to someone else and has four kids and doesn’t look like he is
leaving his wife anytime soon? Yet sister, is still holding on to “expired
revelation”, saying the brother might be joined to his wife on earth but they
are not joined in the sight of God.
(Hands
on my head, Mouth wide open)
Chinekeeeeee!!!!
(Igbo word for God), I exclaimed.
“What
scripture can you quote as a backup for your belief?” I asked her.
Sister
couldn’t answer. She rather got angry and insisted that she knew what she was
saying.
Okay,
even if “God” told you someone is to marry you and the person decided to marry
someone else, you will still be waiting in the name of the word of God must
come to pass right?
Okay,
maybe it will come to pass right after your mammary glands are as flat as keke napep
(tricycle) roof and your skin as wrinkled as irredeemable toilet tissue.
For
God’s sake! There are over 6 billion people on this earth. How can one person
be the only one you can possibly have a happy home with???
I
refuse to allow such a myth to “catch my brain”.
5.
My
soul mate will always make me happy
So
you’re with this girl or guy and you have one or two rifts and so you
prematurely abort the relationship based on that.
Come
on now???
Who
told you it is the job of a significant other or spouse to make you happy? Does
a relationship or marriage look like a performance club to you?
In
as much as you should have some measurable level of joy in a relationship, it
is dumb for you to give a human being the herculean task of constantly
entertaining you unto happiness. In fact, if a guy tells me that’s his reason
for wanting to be with me? I will know that he is yet to understand the
fundamental structure of a human soul. Happiness is your responsibility not
that of an event, circumstance or a significant other.
Even
as believers, we sometimes feel sad or depressed. If you are sincere with yourself,
you will notice that sadness or depression comes when we take our eyes away
from Christ and focus on events/situations. JESUS is the ONLY ONE with the
ability to bring ceaseless joy/happiness into our lives. Wake up! This isn’t Hollywood.
Read: How to turn a bad day around
Read: How to turn a bad day around
The
soul mate theory is a little over flogged. Therefore my candid advice to anyone
looking for/waiting for love (as I am) is this
·
Be informed that soul mates are not
sent from heaven. They are made when two people decide and commit to
making a relationship work despite the odds against them. Therefore quit
depending on chemistry to make a choice.
·
Soul mates are two people who are
fully aware of their flaws, ugly and bad and have made an INFORMED decision to
grow together into better people. Therefore, don’t commit to someone because
they appear perfect at first. PROBE, PROBE, PROBE!
·
You are not perfect therefore your
soul mate won’t be perfect. Be prepared to get pissed and be kind enough to
tolerate.
Read: 7 Choices you will regret in 7 years time
Read: 7 Choices you will regret in 7 years time
Holding
my imaginary glass of wine in my hands, raising it in the air…
I herby toast to the entrance of men/women of
integrity, Consistency and Reliability (ICR)
into our lives.
Together we toast
to the people who will not take our “sincerity of hearts” for granted and will
be sane enough as us to play their part in building a “soulmate-like“
relationship with us in all honesty and trust worthiness of character.
I’m drinking my
wine now…
Drink yours
Committed to your
wholeness
Anne Atulaegwu
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