Today, we will hear from a single, fruitful, and fulfilled Icon. She is the author of the new book titled, SINGLE, FRUITFUL, FULFILLED.
Please help me welcome, ChinyereDistinguished Anoke.
Anne: Hi Chinyere, It’s an honour to have you here with us on Young and Relevant series. I can imagine you are giving us the dimple flash right now. hahaha
Chinyere: Hahahaa, Thank you very much for having me.
Chinyere: In as much as
I have always desired to author books, I never imagined that I'd write a book
on singleness. Writing the SFF book - "Single, Fruitful, Fulfilled"
was inspired by God after my relationship mess. As a matter of fact, the book
itself is just a small subset of the SFF vision.
Anne: Hmm, powerful
Anne: Hmm, powerful
Chinyere: The SFF vision is focused on
addressing a whole lot of issues associated with Singlehood and empowering
Singles with the right mindset, tools and resources for making the most of this
beautiful phase and hence, live fruitful and fulfilled lives while at it. It
started with the SFF interview series on my blog - www.bit.ly/SFFInterviews -
where we had 10 Singles, 5 males and 5 females, all above 25 years of
age, share with us what it means to be single and how possible it is to live a
fruitful and fulfilled life as a Single.
Anne: I'm grateful to have been one of them.
Chinyere: Yes, thank you ma. Funny enough, before the onset of my
failed proposed marriage and the SFF vision, I used to give peptalks in my
church titled "Maximizing Singlehood". Little did I know that some
day, it'd become one of my major assignments from God. Also, little did I know
that though I taught about "Maximizing Singlehood", I didn't fully
understand what being Single really is. It took God to arrest my heart and
teach me before I grasped what being Single, God's way, truly is - it goes way
beyond being unmarried. Enlightening the rest of the society of this truth
forms part one of the SFF book; the SFF book has four major parts:
- Who is a single?
- Why do you want to get married?
- What to do before “I DO”
- Dealing with SFF challenges
It is a step-by-step guide on how to
make the most of Singlehood.
Anne: You did justice to the four parts. So worth the read.
In the book while you encouraged singles to forgive, you mentioned that your ex still owes you some money he borrowed and never paid back. What's your counsel to dating singles on handling finances in a relationship?
In the book while you encouraged singles to forgive, you mentioned that your ex still owes you some money he borrowed and never paid back. What's your counsel to dating singles on handling finances in a relationship?
Chinyere: Thank you ma. Well, I
believe that the most of us know and have experienced this: it is not the same
tone with which money is borrowed, that it is being re-paid. People act funny,
weird, indifferent, mysterious and often different from what you used to know,
when it's time to repay debts. So my counsel to dating singles is the same as
the general advice: never loan money to your partner or anyone else, an amount
that you are not willing to forfeit, no matter the situation. Never ever give
money to your partner with the motive that you're investing in the relationship
for marriage. From my experience, when things go sour as they sometimes do, you
find yourself going through some negative emotions which are not exactly out of
an emotional heartbreak, but because of "invested" money which now
appears lost.
Anne: Hmm, I can relate
Anne: Hmm, I can relate
Chinyere: So yes, you can give financial aid or
support to your partner based on friendship and out of your free will, but
don't do it with the motive that it is an investment in a future you're
building or hope to build with the person. DON'T.
Anne: Absolutely, I gave myself sense after the first experience.
When did you begin to heal after the marriage plans went sour? Were there practical steps you took or was it something that happened on its own?
When did you begin to heal after the marriage plans went sour? Were there practical steps you took or was it something that happened on its own?
Chinyere: To be honest, I
never envisaged that the break-up would affect me much since I was the one who
called off the relationship. Prior to our break-up, we had stopped seeing
things 'eye to eye'. We had lots of disagreements over even the slightest
issues, there were so many things I wasn't comfortable with and I had lost my
peace about the relationship. However, I didn't really know what to do. A part
of me wanted to settle regardless, while a smaller part of me wanted to pull
out but there was a big challenge - I was concerned about what people would say
if I left him because he'd lost his job the previous year when we were planning
the wedding; we actually stalled the wedding plans in 2015 because he lost his
job.
So the part of me that wanted to
leave stayed put and prayed desperately for him to get a job. My plan was that
when he gets a job, we'd take a break to reconsider if we still wanted to get
married to each other before we proceed, and I told him as much. Then something
very instructive happened on 18th and 19th November 2016, and it was clear in
my Spirit that it was the Holy Spirit that deliberately made me to witness it;
no one in his right mind should slip up like that. Anyways, that was the last
straw that led to our official break-up.
We had some discussions before the
break-up and I thought we were both cool until he returned my memory card through
a neighbor without notifying me he was coming, even though I had called him two
days before then to ask when he was coming back to Abuja (he was in Benin
then). That was when all hell was let loose; we had some terrible exchange of
words and he said really hurtful things to me. After that event, I lost a lot
of my self-esteem and confidence. I would doubt myself over and over before I
made any decisions and I stopped believing that I was good enough... That was
when I knew I needed help.
I went back to God who had started
working on my mind way before the break-up and He guided me to trainings that
helped me. One of the trainings is the IMMERSE 30-day transformation challenge
by Pastor Adebola Deji Kurumi (DDK) through the Immerse Coaching Academy. That
course helped me heal in so many ways. I think one of the questions had
something to do with pain, hurt and forgiveness so I poured my heart and anger
into the answer script. My support coach, Mrs Joy Opuda, also helped a great
deal. All the ladies in my whatsapp support group were amazing! Even though
they didn't know what I was going through, their overwhelming love and support
was mind-blowing and it really helped me regain my self-confidence, trust in
God, emotional stability and healthy mindset.
Another training that helped me is
PUSH by InnocentMINDS consulting. That was my first introduction to
Neuro-Linguistic Programming and I later took the complete level one training
in August 2017, Coach Emeka Nobis course on Social Media Mastery for Influence
also helped me.
Ultimately, it was the Holy Spirit
who helped and still helps me heal, directs me to the right courses to take and
surrounds me with the right set of people that I need per time. When I look
back on how far I have come, I can't help but acknowledge that God loves me so
deeply.
Anne: Awesome! I commend your wisdom to get help via those trainings. A lot of people think they can get over the effect of a negative emotional experience on their own. While hat is possible, it may not be the most effective.
TO YOU READING:
If you've been in a similar situation,
Anne: Chi, what's your counsel for single sisters over 30 who feel burdened being single?
TO YOU READING:
If you've been in a similar situation,
Anne: Chi, what's your counsel for single sisters over 30 who feel burdened being single?
Chinyere: My counsel is
this - NEVER SETTLE. I know the tendency for heightened anxiety, pressure and
desperation for marriage, increases as we get older. There's also the reducing
number of suitors to consider. However, regardless of how old you are, never
settle for marriage for the wrong reasons. Don't marry because you're getting
old and want to bear your kids before menopause; don't settle for marriage
because everyone you know is now married; don't settle for marriage because
everyone around you is pressuring you to accept someone; don't settle for
marriage for the wrong reasons, wrong motives and wrong mindset.
Part three of the SFF book addresses
why you should get married, while part four equips you with how to deal with
SFF challenges - loneliness, anxiety, pressure, etc, as you plan to get married
for the right reasons and to the right person.
That said, I'm hoping that you're
using the right yardsticks to measure what you'd settle or not settle for. I'm
hoping your standard isn't "he must be tall, dark and handsome, have 30
billion in the account, have a mansion, car and all the other material things."
In TWTW (The Women at The Well), a Christian ladies group I belong to, we had a
bible study addressing "The List" where we studied bible couples to
find out from the Word what we should really look out for in a future spouse.
The bible study collection containing "The List" is available for
sale. You can contact 4thewomenatthewell@gmail.com for
a copy.
Read: Why do Loose Girls marry faster?
Read: Why do Loose Girls marry faster?
Anne: Beautiful
What major challenges did you encounter while writing this book? How did you deal with those?
What major challenges did you encounter while writing this book? How did you deal with those?
Chinyere:I think the
biggest challenge I had was the writing itself. Even though I had been writing
and publishing articles on various platforms, writing the SFF book made me
realise that writing a book is a different ballgame from publishing blog and
social media posts. To tackle this, I would write the book excerpts on Facebook
(writing for immediate consumption makes me more focused to complete an
article). So I'd write a complete chapter on Facebook, post it, then copy it
and include in the book. This served two purposes:
1. Helped me write the SFF
book.
2. Create awareness and whet my
audience's appetite for the complete book.
I also needed to learn how to present
this not-so-popular topic in an easily digestible and understandable way, so I
took some writing courses and read lots of articles on writing.
They all paid off in the continuous
success of the SFF book.
Anne: Oh Chinyere, thank you so much for coming on young and relevant series today. I loved talking with you.
Chinyere: Thank you so much for the interview, minister.
Anne: You are welcome, love
Chinyere: Thank you so much for the interview, minister.
Anne: You are welcome, love
ABOUT CHINYERE
ChinyereDistinguished Lydia Anoke is
the author of the fast-selling book, "SINGLE, FRUITFUL, FULFILLED", a
book that addresses most of the challenges/questions in the heart of Singles,
and empowers them to live a whole and productive life.
After publishing the SFF book, she
has gone ahead to host SFF Masterclasses – a quarterly gathering of singles
(online or offline) where they network, learn, refresh and are equipped with
the right tools that enable them live out fruitful and fulfilled lives
regardless of any odd. They also now have an SFF Community - a whatsapp group,
where they hold weekly discussions to network, refresh and proffer lasting
solutions to the issues that beguile Singlehood.
ChinyereDistinguished is an
intentional young lady with a burning desire to live out all that God has
deposited in her for the benefit of mankind and ultimately for His Glory.
Through her numerous write-ups on different platforms - blogs, social media and
books, she is able to fulfil her passion of helping young adults to overcome
self-limiting doubts, take full responsibility for their decisions, and hence,
live a life of Excellence without limits.
She is also a sought after Speaker
especially on topics relating to Singlehood, Self and purpose discovery,
personal development, writing, and the likes.
Professionally, she is an astute
editor and proficient content developer.
SINGLE, FRUITFUL, FULFILLED BOOK
PURCHASE INFORMATION
The SFF Hardcopy is
available at N2,000 in the following cities:
Lagos
Port Harcourt
Owerri
Onitsha
Kaduna
Benin
2. The SFF e-book is
available for N1,500 and is delivered straight to your email
once payment is made.
Payment details:
Chinyere Lydia Anoke
3105183858
Firstbank
Afterwards, send a mail to chinyeredistinguished@gmail.com with
proof of payment.
Alternatively, you can make payment
with this link - bit.ly/SFFeBook
3. The SFF e-book is also
available on Okadabooks for N1,000 and you can get it with this link
- bit.ly/SFFonOkadabooks
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