HOW TO SPOT A GOOD MAN

Last night at Insure your marriage  online conference, I was privileged to teach on the subject,

Good men are hard to find. Is that  true? Destroying the myths and lies that make women settle for less than God's best.

This post is a copy of what I shared with them. I did a different post for a meaty part of the Q and A.  Check it out. Once you are done with this. 

Let's Define God's best

God's best in marriage is a spouse and a situation that sets you up for growth in these areas

👉Spiritual
👉Financial
👉Emotional
👉Relational

The term set up means it may not be in the "package" that you expect because it is first committed to helping you mature into God's picture of you, than it is about making you feel fly.

If you truly understand this, you will be delivered from these on your marital journey, 

✅ Comparison 

✅Jealousy

✅ impatience/Haste

✅ Discouragement

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that your current psychologically sick boyfriend who beats and rapes you every other day but gives you money, is in your life to help you grow. My sisters, shine your eye. God's growth agenda does not include abuse!

Having established that, it is time to let you know this,

A good man is that  man who though on his own growth journey, 

✅ Allows God to use him in culturing you into God's idea of you (not his own).

✅ Commits to allowing you blossom at a pace God decides for you.

✅ Passionately seeks God's will for your relationship at every point on the journey.

If you've not seen the above qualities in a man, don't be too quick to tag him a "good man".

A man who gives you money for hair or takes you out to eat catfish, or eat Chinese noodles, pays your parent's bills is not exactly  a good man. Sorry, not sorry if I'm messing up your age long ideologies.

See babes, good men are *not exactly* hard to find.  They are hidden in the heart of God. 

You can't get one if you are fishing from the pool unbelievers fish from. 

You want a good man and you are looking in the club pub? 

You are looking at your room mate's boyfriend and plotting to snatch him?

You are looking at  the guy who rides the  best cars and speaks supri supri (in a foreign accent)?

Babes, nor let trailer jam you o (Nigerian slangs for don't get into irreversible problems)

Now let me be clear with you, 

The reason good men seem hard to find, is because you don't  recognize them. 

How can you even recognize what you don't know exists?

Cast down your imagination of Hollywood romance and reset your head for the real deal please.

Although a good man can still have shiny cars and model houses with supri- supri (foreign) accent, all that in themselves isn't want makes a good man. A wicked man or bad guy also has those qualities for God sake.

How to recognize a good man

1. Know Jesus

Don't roll your eyes o. 

This is true. If you have a relationship with Christ, you will know what is to receive and give love. Some of the things I do for my husband today, are things that Jesus taught me in our own love relationship. See, God is not an old man with long bears and rod waiting for opportunities to wipe your "ogo" (back of the head) when you err. He is so relatable. So relatable I tell you. 

Jesus will pump you self worth, no one will be able to wash you down. I'm so aware of my worth that people mistake how I carry myself for pride. It is not my fault, I've spent years of love with a man called Jesus that I now know and value myself accordingly.

2. Know your purpose

I know how many seemingly good men I turned down back then because I didn't see how they fit my purpose. If I was going by money, car, house and  title, I would have married tipe tipe (a long time ago). 

I was very conscious of my  purpose as stated in my bio. While that looks good on paper, the background work it takes to be me is not for everybody. Therefore I couldn't have  married everybody's husband. Knowing your purpose, is key to recognizing a good man. 

Do you know your purpose? Purpose is not discovered, it is revealed (Details in the book titled, PROTHESIS). Well this isn't a purpose class so let me move on.

3. Be faithful with your current season

I know you've heard people say that single hood is a blessing. My dear, it  cannot be a blessing to someone who lives to wake, eat and see movies. It is only a blessing to people who engage their inner calling and embrace opportunities to impact others. 

Read: How to step into purpose and impact lives

If your life is all about, buying hair, pink lipstick and padded bras, babes you are not going to recognize a good man. Anyone who meets those material needs would look good to you, only for you to realize years later that you don't fit. When you eventually engage your inner calling and start embracing opportunities to make impact, "your good man", will no longer fit because he can't match up to the frequency of your advancement in destiny.

Now that you are single, is the time for you to live out God's plan for your life at the level He (God) has shown you. If you are already doing so, you will be able to sniff a good man amongst wanna be's because you have something in your life that exposes a man's capacity to help you become or not.

I was away to speak at a program with some of my girls, when my now husband chatted me up to marry me. When I was laughing it off, God said, 

Who else is better? He is the one who knows where I brought you from and understands where I am taking you to. 

If I wasn't using my single season, I don't know how God would have convinced me to see that Emeka Obiajunwa is the good man for me. 

What will God use to open your eyes?

Would he say, the guy is the one who can buy all the Brazilian hair in your past, present and future? Would he say, marry this guy because he is the one who will give you dog and monkey style in bed? Seriously, that's the only thing some of us  are using our single season to do - acquire fashionables and gain sexual expertise. 

You better  wake up

4. Evolve

Look at  your life. Where you are in January, Is that still where you are? Psychologically, Emotionally, Financially, Spiritually? Some of you are too full and heavy that God cannot find the space to lift you. You like male organ too much. You cannot bone it and focus on your progress. Sex has covered your brain. You now sleep with any guy that gives you as little as five thousand naira so long as he says, "I love you".

You cannot buy book to read, because you must buy sandals and shoes every week. You must sew cloth every week. You must download movie every week. Stop using your future to dance makossa. 

My friend, another relationship is not the cure for the last break up. Has God fixed what chased the  other guy away? Has he healed your heart enough for you to recognize your good man without judging him using your exes standard? Have you shed off the smelly tendency of clinginess?

Some of you have choked good men off your lives with your excessive clinginess to your idea of love and romance. You think the guy should not have a life again, because you are his babe. My dear a good man has a purpose to fulfill too. You are not his primary assignment until marriage. Stop It!!! Stop choking the man in your life. 

Tell yourself, "Princess  (insert your name), it is Time to evolve!!"

Read: Benchmarking your worth

5. Be kind by default

Rebekah became Isaac's wife because she not only helped Abraham's servant fetch water, she also went  the extra mile to fetch water for his camel (Genesis 24) . Let me help you understand what a big deal that was. 

There were ten (10) camels. One camel drinks twenty-five (25) gallons. If Rebekkah did what she said, it means she fetched two-hundred and fifty (250) gallons.  

She didn't know Eliezer was looking for a wife for Isaac. She was just being herself. That's how she landed herself in the genealogy of the covenant nation (Israel). 

My sister, you are busy being rude to your neighbor in the compound because he hasn't got a car right?  Well done, your good man is gyming inside your rudeness. 

You curse every brother that has bald head, wears bent shoe, has die-die (faded)shirt. You are wicked to your room mate because she is not your church member. You pass someone's cloth that fell off the line, even step on it because she is not your type and you not don't talk to each other. Well done o. 

Your good man is gyming, you hear? You better get sense! 

Kindness isn't rewarded by whom you show it to. It is a seed that waits for you when, where and how it matters most. When God is looking for some one with your kind abilities to recommend to that good man, would he mention your name? Help me ask yourself, "When would I grow?" Sister when???? Some of you are so wicked to children. So long as its not your family member  you don't care. Well done, heaven and earth is recording it.

My dear, vow today to be kind to people, especially those who can't repay your kindness. You are sowing into the earth, a mighty seed that will yield a weighty recommendation in tour favor when the court of God  needs someone to receive a good man.

Phew! Its been a long night. 

Here are links to glimpses of my  story as I was asked to share

Gist 1

Gist 2

Gist 3

There is a lot i'm yet to share publicly. I will find a perfect time and space to share my full journey.  For now the above links can help you understand where I'm coming from and encourage you on your journey.

Check out the questions I was asked and the counsel I gave. Till then, don't sweat the small stuff. God is working things out for your good.

Committed to your fulfilment,

Anne Emeka-Obiajunwa